There’s a section of the Mormon Doctrine and Covenants known as the Words Of Wisdom. These words serve as a kind of Mormon health and wellness guide, laying out what they should eat or drink. If you take a look at that text, there’s no mention of caffeine anywhere. Instead, Mormons are restricted from imbibing “hot drinks,” which is generally considered to mean coffee and tea, but emphatically not caffeinated in general. Other people saw them turn down coffee, and made that leap. The idea of Mormons having to avoid soda became so widespread that, in 2012, the Church Of The Latter Day Saints actually put out an official statement to clarify their policy. Which was basically: “Hey, they’re all right by us, but try not to drink, like, 17 bottles of Pepsi a day.”
If only because caffeine pills are so much more convenient.
Everything In The Book Of Revelations Probably Already Happened Thousands Of Years Ago
You know the Book Of Revelations from the Bible, and every fourth Nicolas Cage movie. The seven seals are opened, unleashing the four horsemen; a seven-headed beast rises from the sea, and a final battle commences on the fields of Armageddon. Religious nuts consider it our future, but that’s probably because they don’t realize it was actually in the past.
The Book Of Revelations is also known as the Revelation To John, who most people don’t realize is not the same guy that wrote the Book Of John, from the Gospels. In fact, most Biblical scholars think the Book Of Revelations was written at some point after the year 70 A.D., which actually makes a ton of sense: See, around 70 A.D., the Romans sacked the shit out of Jerusalem, driving out the Jews and destroying their temples. From the Jewish point of view, you could almost call these events … apocalyptic.
Yep, experts are saying that the Book Of Revelations was likely religious war propaganda, written to rally the Jewish people under the comforting belief that God was going to come back and lay the smack down on those Romans. Scholars have found plenty of evidence to support the view that the Book Of Revelations actually describes an incident from the writer’s lifetime, instead of some terrifying ecclesiastical future war. The seven-headed monster points to Rome and its famous seven hills. The mark of the beast, 666, is thought to be a numerological reference to Emperor Nero, who had a storied history of oppressing early Christians. Why, you could almost say the man was anti-Christ. The fields of Armageddon were probably referring to al-Megiddo, a famous battlefield of the time that had already been the site of various conflicts with Pagan armies. In all likelihood, John wasn’t prophesying some awful future event in the Book Of Revelations: He was angrily blogging about the world he was living in, whipping it all up with fantastical drama and elaborate slurs, like a slightly less influential Breitbart.com.
James is on Twitter, and has recently tried his hand at blogging.
Now that you don’t need to fear for your afterlife, instead of slapping on temporary tattoos, you can get a real tattoo machine for the low, low price of $40 and clumsily emblazon your skin with a mistake forever!
For more ways we’re totally clueless about religions, check out 5 Insane Facts That Will Change How You View Christianity and 5 Myths You Probably Believe About Major Religions.
Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out Why Non Religious Confessionals Should Be a Thing, and other videos you won’t see on the site!
Follow us on Facebook, and we’ll follow you everywhere.
Get intimate with our new podcast Cracked Gets Personal . Subscribe for great episodes like The Most Insane Things We Saw In Embergency Medicine and 3 Wild Stories from Inside the Opiate Epidemic, available wherever you get your podcasts.